If you like...
There's probably a French substitute for your American favorites
For better or worse, Americans leave so much behind when they move to France. Here’s a handy guide of how to replace it.
If you like Scott Toilet Paper…
Lotus Just-1. Yes, TP is a personal choice, but those 1-ply rolls you got at Costco are butt-wipe barbary compared to the tushie comfort you’ll enjoy with these tender, extra-wide, 5-ply fanny polishers.
If you like grilled cheese…
Croque Monsieur. Much as I miss the simplicity of a basic grilled cheese (especially when it comes with a bowl of tomato soup), this ubiquitous bistro sandwich (weirdly translated as “Sir Crunch”) is a fine substitute. Swap out that slab of Kraft processed American cheese with melted Gruyère or Comté, add a slice of ham, top it with béchamel sauce and dig in.
If you like watching the NFL on CBS, Fox, NBC, Amazon, Netflix, ESPN, ABC, YouTube and Peacock…
DAZN NFL Game Pass. While American fans must futz around with multiple providers to follow their favorite team, it takes just this one platform (with a somewhat pricey annual subscription) to watch every NFL game in France. No blackouts, and it includes Red Zone.
If you like Mr. Clean…
Monsieur Propre. All I’m saying is I’ve never seen the two of them in the same room at the same time.
If you like Dick’s Sporting Goods…
Decathlon. You won’t find many big name brands in its aisles. Or baseball mitts. But there’s something for every other sport, at half the price.
If you like Hellmann’s mayonaise…
Amora. French household chefs may brag about making their own mayo, but if you check their shopping carts, this is what’s inside. Its kick of Dijon mustard surprises you at first, and then you wonder why you’d put anything else on your frites.
If you like Home Depot…
Brico Depôt. I mean, could they even come up with a different logo…?
If you like McDonald’s Quarter-Pounder with cheese…
Royale with Cheese. Or, at least that’s what we were told by Vincent Vega!
If you like Barnes & Noble…
Fédération nationale d’achats, or as it is more widely known: FNAC. It’s a national chain of electronics and cultural products, including music, video and, notably, books. Tons of ‘em. It’s a fun shopping experience, but — if you’re not into the big box vibe — you should know that France has more independent bookstores than the US.
If you like Pepperidge Farm Goldfish…
Michel & Augustin crackers. They’re too dense to mindlessly munch, but this snack is all about savoring. Its cheese flavors – Comte, Rochefort, Beaufort, and so many more – are the reason the company calls itself Les Trublions du Goût: The Taste Rebels.
If you like Whole Foods…
Grand Frais is Whole Paycheck without the attitude. Or Jeff Bezos.
If you like Starbucks Cappuccino…
Well, Starbucks is here, too. But for the French café experience, sit outdoors and order a grand creme. It’s basically the same, sans foam, and it’s usually cheaper. (If you just want a larger American-style coffee instead of a small espresso, ask for un café allongé.)
If you like Dollar Tree…
C’est Deux Euros. Different currency, same cheap crap.
If you like Bocce…
Pétanque. Different rules, same old guys arguing over balls.
If you like Target…
Monoprix. Both sell groceries, clothes and household goods. Target is bigger, Monoprix has nicer clothes.
If you like Apple Pie…
Tarte Tatin. As with grilled cheese, there’s a certain familiar goodness about your basic apple pie that can never be topped by even the finest French chefs. They try, though, lord they try… with more butter, naturally. And it’s served upside down. Like its American cousin, it goes great with vanilla ice cream.
Alas, I am still in America, but I order French facial products. The French know what they are doing in this department!!!
If I were younger and more transplantable, I’d be there in a minute.
As a Philly Girl (ok outside of Philadelphia but still...go birds) I so enjoyed reading this and suggestions duly noted - thankfully no suggested subs for the beloved cheesestake ;)